1) I have been much too depressed for much too long. Not just depressed, to be honest. Moody is more like it. On top of the world one day, the pits the next, and so on and on in an infintely complicated emotional rollercoaster that refuses to let me get off.
2)I have always kept to myself . How introvertedness turned into excruciating shyness is beyond me. I just can't talk to anyone anymore without being agonizingly self-conscious, and judgemental.
3)There's not one thing I feel really strongly about. I'm absolutely bereft of passion. What I needed, perhaps, was a Muse of some sort, something or someone that could've filled out the emptiness.
4)Everybody I know has the paths of their lives charted out to the smallest detail. I, on the other hand, have never felt more aimless. Ambitions have never been my thing, and deep down, I know that I'm driving down to a dead-end.
5)I always grew up considering myself to be gifted in some manner. You know the standards - math whiz, super writer, star athlete. As each year goes by, you strike one off the list, till one day you wake up to the fact that you might as well have torn off the page when you were ten.
6)The other day, it just struck me that I can't do anything. I can't ride a bike, drive a car, cook, play the guitar, sing, fix the radio, dance, sew, paint.Nothing.
7) I'm fat and ugly. And I'll never forgive You for that.
8)Lately, I've taken to listening to sappy love songs, and watching the most unbelievably mushy candy-floss. I don't know if you do this too, but I seem to have gotten into the habit of imagining myself as the actor on screen, especially during all the making-out. I'm sure it isn't healthy thing to do. Kissing Kate Winslet did feel rather good, though.
9)I tried to make a list of the people who would miss me. Really miss me, truly wish I was still around. Afraid not too many made that list. And I can't blame anyone for that. If I were you, I wouldnt miss me. Eminently forgettable I am, if little else.
10)Spending long hours online is a sign of social dysfunction. Perhaps if i had tried to go out and talk to real people, I wouldn't be as lonely as I am now. Virtual relationships are easy to make, and from personal experience, very convenient for people to walk away from. Use-and-throw has never had more license.
11)I hate my ego. It is just so suffocating.
Monday, January 30, 2006
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About Me
- melon collie
- a recluse waiting for salvation
7 comments:
natalie, thanks . i appreciate..
do people u know in real life read your blog? (what i'm indirectly asking is...would u be ok with saying all this to people you know) just wondering...
Walrus:
In one word, no.
there's only one thing for it. extend your focus beyond yourself until something strikes you as worthy. cover the mirrors and strike your hand for even giving yourself another thought.
i really believe we're all this pile of pitiful goo at the center of it all. why so many people are happy not knowing themselves. but it's best to know what you are. i think our value lies in what we do, how we affect others.
maybe the outside world will resonate something in you and turn your goo grand. step out.
in my defence, jasi, i try. i really do. but there's too much ego . and too little grand goo.
you dont know me, but i saw myself in your post. maybe we are freakishly similar, maybe human suffering (insert a word less dramatic) is not as diverse as it seems.
ill sign up for drivers ed when you do.
disco papaya , ah, a kindred soul !
i plan to sign up in april, by the way.
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